“You have to learn to get up from the table when love is not being served”. ~ Nina Simone.

After spending almost twenty years being married to someone who showed grandiose signs of narcissism, entitlement, control and manipulation, I found myself suffocating.

Being unable to communicate my discontent, the marriage continued to spiral down a path that was hardly salvageable. It had been like this for quite some time – so long that the marriage led to multiple bouts of infidelity on his part. I remained in the marriage, every instance, when I probably should have left from the get-go.

Every time I remained with attempts to make it work, I was prolonging the reality that our marriage was in fact long over. I had “divorced” him emotionally some time back. I had remained largely because I was financially dependent on this person who, obviously, had lost appreciation and respect for me.

As the events of that 19-year marriage unfolded, it took many moments of silence to realize that he was not the person for me. Which begs the question – how do you know that someone isn’t the right person for you?

You Always Feel Like You Need Space

If you want space from your partner because you’re always around each other (working from home or even together), then this is healthy.  Maintaining your identity is important and everyone needs occasional time alone to recharge. However, if you are wishing that you could be alone in these moments, or you are happier when they are away on a trip, something greater is going on.

Moments of Silence Don’t Feel Right

When you and your partner sit in an uncomfortable silence, that’s a sign that there might be greater issues brewing. It’s normal at times to have short periods of silence. But if you are with your partner and you can’t conjure up any conversation, nor can you think of anything to say, that awkward silence might make you want to ask yourself why you are with your partner.

You Don’t Feel Respected

Respect is one of the most crucial parts of any relationship. Two people who are partners in marriage, or any relationship, should be equal. When one person places himself or herself on a pedestal, and not as an equal, the respect isn’t fully there. Disrespect in that form often times transverses into other areas of the life as well. Your partner should see you

You Find Any Reason to Be Busy

Maybe that business means creating new hobbies, or, hiking in the great outdoors. It could also mean planning events with your friends after work or intentionally finding other things to do to avoid going home. All of these mean you are not happy in your relationship.

You Feel Suffocated

If you know, deep down, that you are with the wrong person, it’s time to start making a plan for how you are going to get out. If at any point you feel trapped, or suffocated, that is a sign that the person may not be right for you.

You Feel Isolated

This was definitely a red flag for me in my 19-year marriage. If your partner actively keeps you from living your life or a life outside of the relationship, or makes you feel like your attention should be on them and them alone, then you are struggling with isolation. A partner who is supportive will try to encourage you to have relationships with other friends, or pursue hobbies or creative projects that will expand your potential. A thriving relationship will make you feel like you can live your next (separate) life and then come together to be with each other at the end of the day.

You Can’t See a Future Together

Whether you have been with someone for years or you are just starting a relationship, you can usually determine if you see the relationship as a forever (lifer) relationship at the early onset. If you have experienced situations that prevent you from seeing “forever”, that’s not a good sign. Nor is feeling suffocated when you thin of the possibility of being forever. Take heed of your inner feelings; not being able to picture being together forever is a sign that a future might not be something you want to consider.

I do believe that most of us can trust our gut intuition when we think we are with the wrong person. But many times, we are scared to admit we have those feelings. It might be hard to truly move on when we feel we have a sense of duty – in those cases, we aren’t putting ourselves first and risk even greater emotional damage by staying somewhere that we aren’t truly happy.

But when you’re with the wrong person, you’re simply wasting your time as well as the other person’s time. You both deserve to move forward and find someone that truly enjoys your presence and who compliments you in a way that makes you a better person, not a person who highlights your flaws.

Choosing the wrong person can not only ruin your life, it can have an adverse effect on everything around you — to include your self esteem, your children, your finances, your career, and your emotional health.

If you are in a toxic relationship, the best thing you can do is to start to heal your inner world. As you heal your internal world, the external world will follow suit. The relationships that aren’t meant to be will naturally come to a close. The environments and behaviors that kept you sick will become distant memories. With healing comes letting go – to make room for something new.